Regret and Birth.

My darling daughter is almost eight months old and I can say with the utmost honesty it has been the best goddamn eight months of my life. I am quiet uncomfortable at the moment as I seem to be re-experiencing a lot of grief over how the birth went. I thought I had worked my way through it but evedently not. I am so incrediably angry with how things happened. I can not move past it. My daughter is happy and healthy and we have a incrediably close bond, but I can’t shake the feeling that I missed out on having a special experience.

Rituals and milestones are very important to me. There was supposed to be a baby shower, but it didn’t eventuate. I feel like I missed out on having a sacred space to acknowledge this important new stage in my life. But I was left hanging. I should have seen it then, when the baby shower or mothers blessing as I like to call it, that the birth wouldn’t go as planned. Even my goddamn wedding didn’t go as I’d liked, but I digress.

I’m so angry and hurt that I didn’t trust my instinct and go with a C-section when first suggested. In all honesty I felt like I was pressured into having a natural labour. I had been induced the night before and was left in agonising pain, while my husband was told to go home. I spent the night pacing the floor, continually vomiting and then when I got up the courage to beg for painkillers I got led back to my bed and told that I should try natural methods, because if I wasn’t coping now then I would find it even harder when I was in the birthing suit (WTF!). I was examined internally way to many times to count and I felt like I didn’t have a voice.

Birthing is meant to be a sacred experience, where the hell did it go wrong? I did have a doula and she was fantastic, but she was also with another woman who was giving birth at the same time so was coming back and forth. I tried for a natural labour for a number of hours,it was progressing to slowly, there was another talk of a C-section and I blacked out for a minute and my daughters heart rate begain to drop. We were in the operating theatre within 4 minutes.

[The theatre staff were fantastic and the operating doctor was amazing I will give them credit where credit is due. I even saw the doctor a few days later and she came up and gave me a hug and told me how worrie she’d been about me.]

I didn’t get to hold my daughter after my C-section, instead she got whisked away to NCIU while I got stitched up and into recovery. Luckily my husband went with her. I can barely look at photos from that time though without a sick feeling in my gut. I feel like I have failed. All my life I have felt like I’ve never had a voice and had to please others and I couldn’t even get my labour right. I understand that pre-eclampsia is not something you can plan for and it came straight out of the blue, but I felt like an annoyance to everyone else.

I find myself scouring the internet for positive birth stories, pictures and videos. I swing between relief I didn’t have a natural labour and intense anger because the experience was taken away from me. I think what I mourn the most is that I couldn’t have my daughter naked on my chest for skin to skin contact directly after the birth. Its hard for me now to even look at photos of other women having that experience.

I think I may some how have a blessing ceremony for my daughter anyhow. I don’t know how or when, but I will have her acknoweledged into our community.

The following video is just so beautiful, it made me cry and in a good way.

Categories: Birth, grief, pregnancy | 1 Comment

Fancy Meeting You Here.

Far out! I don’t know where the time goes. Over the past month I kept saying to myself, I’ll update my blog I want to share such and such. Pffft didn’t happen and no I can’t blame my daughter, she is such a cruisy baby.

I’m pretty cranky today, haven’t been able to shake my mood. I fell down the stairs at 3am and smashed my shin bone and smooshed my toes. This said smooshing has led me to believe I’ve broken one of them. Couple sore toes/shin with a recently acquired urinary tract infection (uti) and you can imagine my happiness.

Yet I’m still trying to look on the brighter side. At least I wasn’t carrying my daughter. I would never forgive myself if i’d fell with her in my arms.

There is so much more I want to say, but I think i’ll leave it at that for the moment


Categories: Mindfullness | 1 Comment

This Blog Needs Some Love

Egh. I really need to find a new layout and jazz up my blog a bit. It feels so stale, plus I want to make a new header. Such a trivial thing to write about, yet I find a blog is an extension of one’s personality. This means it is constantly morphing and changing to fit how we feel.

How do you feel at the moment?

I feel INSPIRED! I want to write music and lyrics and sketch pattern after pattern. I recently bought a craft journal at the moment and it is getting quiet a work out. I manage to write or draw an idea every day which is a miracle considering I have an eight week old little girl who has a voracious appetite. Turning the ideas into a solid tangible subject is another matter entirely😉

I also want to realise one of my dreams in working with animals. My goal is to eventually be able to open and run a no-kill animal shelter. That is a long way off at this point in my life, but I believe anything is possible. A smaller goal that I will acomplish is to become a certified dog trainer and behaviourist. I would like to be qualifed within five years. This depends of where life takes my husband and I(and obviously our daughter!-she goes where we go).

What are your dreams?

Categories: creativity, Dreams, love, music | 5 Comments

Cutest knitting pattern ever

This is the cutest knitting pattern ever! I wish I could knit.
Even better is that the money goes to a worthy cause.


I’m probably going to download it anyway as the money goes to a cause very close to my heart. Speaking of staffies I haven’t updated about my Gladiator boy in a while, I’ve tried to write two posts but have not been able to finish or publish them without becoming weepy. He is still around and keeping us laughing with his antics, but he is having health problems.

A more coherant post will be written later

Categories: The Gladiator | 3 Comments


I miss the town of maleny in QLD. I keep thinking about it and the friends we made there. In such a short space of time I felt like part of the community and that the friendships made could be sustained over a life time. What I miss most is the sense of community. I don’t feel like I have that down here. The critical point is that to feel part of something you have to make an effort and get out into the world.

Then I feel guilt for missing the friendships and quirky town. My poor husband is halfway across the world from his friends and family. He has sacrificed so much to be with me and never complains. The funny thing is now that i’ve had a baby I want something solid, yet that is not possible at this moment. We are planning to save up and take our little lady over to see her Canadian family, which is very exciting (can’t wait!!!) but I feel torn because I don’t know where we are going to settle.

I just hope where ever we end up, it has the same laid back vibe, fantastic community and wonderful friendships of that little town up in the QLD mountains.

Categories: community, friendship | 1 Comment

A little bit of rainbow…

Good news everybody!😀 I have my creative mojo back. I’m managing to craft a little when my bugaboo is sleeping. My project in preference is the rainbow blanket. I’m almost through my first lot of yarn, so when I get the chance I will have to duck out and buy the next lot of colours.

The only thing I find annoying is that the blanket isn’t anywhere as cheap to make as it is for people in the U.K who buy the stylecraft acrylic yarn. (as mentioned on Lucy’s attic24 blog) Its going to be double (or triple) the cost and I’m using cheap acrylic yarn.

In bass playing news I managed to outlay one or two bass lines on hubby’s garage band before bub arrived, so I’m super excited to get back into them and hear them with fresh ears.

gotta run this time… and grab some food before she wakes

Categories: crochet, rainbows, Year of Projects | 2 Comments


Our little lady arrived three weeks ago due to me being diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. I spent a total of 9 days in hospital and am still having my blood pressure monitered. We obviously adore her ( how cute are babies chubby cheeks and legs?!!!) and I’m slowly getting used to the sleep deprivation. What I am not getting used to is having to burp her. If she feeds for 1-2 hours, I then have to burp her for at least 45mins, she takes forever to wind.

Thankfully we are staying with my parents for a couple of weeks and my mother has graciously offered to walk the floor with her of a night, so hubby and I can get a couple of hours rest. I recently got diagnosed with mastities and am on the tail end of anti-biotics. Why is it that pregnancy and its aftershocks can be so cruel to a woman’s body?

Categories: Uncategorized | 4 Comments

A New Arrival… Bunny Twitches.

Baby Rabbit Girl arrived via an emergency C-section on Friday the 7th of October 2011. We are finally home.

Categories: Birth, love, pregnancy | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

A little bit of nothing.

Baby will be here anytime soon, which is both exhillerating and terrifying. One thing is for sure my husband deserves a gold medal for putting up with my constant whining about how tired and sore I am. Seriously I probably owe him at least five roast dinners😉

Still no crafting but i’ve accepted that it will come back. Good news is I’ve been playing my bass and writing out melodys. Even funnier is that baby responds to the music whenever I play. It amazes me how responsive baby’s are.

Development is very inspiring. I find myself smiling reflecting on my neice who is now 5! eeeep. I was very very fortunate to hang out with her constantly since she was a newborn, so I have awesome memories of how much and how quickly kids grow up.

anyway to end this rambling blog post.. here’s a photo of my boy exhausted after hubby (and i attempted😉 played ball.

Categories: pregnancy, The Gladiator | 1 Comment

dun dun duuuuuh

Well, its official. I have lost my crafting mojo. I tend to just stare vacently at my box of yarn and unfinished projects. It couldn’t have happend at a worse time O-o as when baby gets here I’m obviously not going to have time to do a thing. Oh well.

Yesterday was two years since my husband came to Australia😀 and on the 13th of november it will be two years since we have been together. Best goddamn two years of my life❤ Sometimes I lay awake and night and just thank the universe for all the good things in my life. I never thought I would be with anyone, just thought i'd be a crazy animal lady who eventually dissapered into nature.

Life has a way of surprising you.

Categories: Uncategorized | 3 Comments

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