Secrets Exposed

Its time I admitted the problem to myself, I am terrified of suffering post partum depression. The fear hung around my head even before I got pregnant, there was a stage where I refused to contemplate having children as I didn’t want to chance passing on some of the mental health issues and addictions that are on both sides of my family, let alone going through pregnancy and having the possiblity of not bonding with my child and hating her.

I know, I know I trained in social work and have worked in a psychiatric facility, but that really means shit. What it means is that I can have empathy for a person and their family when mental illness comes crashing down upon them, but thats it.

Its the unknown and lack of control I fear, there is no way to tell what will happen until the baby is here. I have a wonderful support network and have contacts if I need a refresher in coping stratigies, but sometimes I fear I’m too dependant on people and expect them to save me and pick up the pieces.

Pregnancy really fucks with you hormonally, I attemped to read ‘buddhism for mothers’ but was turned off by a passage that mentioned pregant women feel thier compassion growing for others as the baby grows within them. Pffft maybe for some people, not for me.

I pretty much want to exorcise half the human race, all these horrible so called parents that beat, abuse and kill their children, I find myself devising terrible plans in my head of what I would do to them. Compassion my arse…I feel like I’m becoming a sniper. (the news is not your friend!)

Territorial urges have started to rear thier ugly head. I want to snap at people that this is ‘my baby’ and not any one elses… jesus where does the ugliness come from? and if one more person asks to see my fucking stomach I’m going to fall into a pile on the floor. I get it I’m pregant, this doesn’t mean I’m on show. You’ll see the baby when she is here.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post, just that I didn’t want to hide in the shadow of fear, I’m sick of it… I want the ugliness to go away.

Categories: mental health, pregnancy | Tags: , | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “Secrets Exposed

  1. Oh, you’re so normal. Let me think about this for a while. And I’ll come back with a few thoughts about how right you are. I had my daughter after losing three pregnancies over a period of 12 years. And I wrote a little booklet for brand new mothers. I believed that after delivering at the age of 46 (yes, you read correctly) a healthy baby girl I had a few things to say in support of nervous mothers. BTW, that baby just made a 100 on a 9th grade algebra test. So I guess I did something right. If you wish, I can try to find my article and send it to you. And don’t worry about the PPD, just concentrate on that baby and not you. I’m excited for you. When is the due date?

    • thanks so much. Some times I wonder if what i feel is normal, but then what is normal? ๐Ÿ˜‰ Would be very interested in reading the article you wrote, sounds great! Baby is due October 29th so not long now.

  2. People can be so rude to pregnant women. What makes them think a soon-to-be mother wants to hear their stories of labor, expose things they wouldn’t normally expose, be touched by strangers?

    You are so far ahead of the game already in your awareness. Do what you need to do to take care of you and baby. And use that support system without worries of dependency. Let them help you when/if you need it. It’s okay.

    Sending you love and peace.

  3. The feelings of wanting to choke out every evil person in the world is exactly how I felt… and sometimes still do. Things change when you become a parent – how you view crime and punishment, especially when it comes to children and EVEN more so when it comes to your child…. The protective nature is a good thing.

    And to be honest, I suffered with PPD with both of my children. I didn’t want to hold them in the hospital but people kept handing them to me – I would smile, and put them back in the basinet. I was lucky to have a very supportive husband who helped ease me into the role.

    I wanted it to be that instant mother/child bond but it didn’t happen. I think it hit me hardest with my son mostly because I didn’t think I’d have issues with it. But I did. My daughter I was more expecting it to happen and it did. Truth is, knowing about the possibility makes it better simply because you know what to look for. I couldn’t imagine going through it and not knowing what it was. I felt like the worst mother in the world – what mother doesn’t want to be around her newborn? *sigh* It was hard but it can be conquored.

    It took a couple months with each child but I tell ya – I still loved them even in that timeframe. I just didn’t know what to do with them or myself. I definitely blame the hormones and after I got ‘balanced’ – the mother in me is there and I knew what to do all along.

    As for people looking at your bellyl – tell them to show you theirs first ๐Ÿ™‚

    • thanks so much for your input ๐Ÿ™‚ I can definately feel the hormones swishing away inside of me and its driving me batty. I’ m glad to hear that you came through it!!! awesome stuff. I’m lucky in the sense that like you I have a very supportive husband and family.

      Thanks for the input, I’m starting to feel better


  4. Kinnicchick

    I responded to this post. I don’t know what happened. My computer must have crashed. Sending you love and light. And feeling very grumpy about people who think they have a right to touch expectant mum’s bellies or tell them horror labor stories.

    I love to tell my FAST birthing story. She was my one and only and she came lightning quick and so easy. ๐Ÿ™‚ I nursed but I’m not a militant about that. It took her and I a bit to get together on that but eventually we figured it out.

    Let your family help you. You are blessed to have them. Do not feel that you shouldn’t have their help or support. Take every bit.

    Peace to you, dear. Namaste.

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