Its time I admitted the problem to myself, I am terrified of suffering post partum depression. The fear hung around my head even before I got pregnant, there was a stage where I refused to contemplate having children as I didn’t want to chance passing on some of the mental health issues and addictions that are on both sides of my family, let alone going through pregnancy and having the possiblity of not bonding with my child and hating her.
I know, I know I trained in social work and have worked in a psychiatric facility, but that really means shit. What it means is that I can have empathy for a person and their family when mental illness comes crashing down upon them, but thats it.
Its the unknown and lack of control I fear, there is no way to tell what will happen until the baby is here. I have a wonderful support network and have contacts if I need a refresher in coping stratigies, but sometimes I fear I’m too dependant on people and expect them to save me and pick up the pieces.
Pregnancy really fucks with you hormonally, I attemped to read ‘buddhism for mothers’ but was turned off by a passage that mentioned pregant women feel thier compassion growing for others as the baby grows within them. Pffft maybe for some people, not for me.
I pretty much want to exorcise half the human race, all these horrible so called parents that beat, abuse and kill their children, I find myself devising terrible plans in my head of what I would do to them. Compassion my arse…I feel like I’m becoming a sniper. (the news is not your friend!)
Territorial urges have started to rear thier ugly head. I want to snap at people that this is ‘my baby’ and not any one elses… jesus where does the ugliness come from? and if one more person asks to see my fucking stomach I’m going to fall into a pile on the floor. I get it I’m pregant, this doesn’t mean I’m on show. You’ll see the baby when she is here.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this post, just that I didn’t want to hide in the shadow of fear, I’m sick of it… I want the ugliness to go away.