My darling daughter is almost eight months old and I can say with the utmost honesty it has been the best goddamn eight months of my life. I am quiet uncomfortable at the moment as I seem to be re-experiencing a lot of grief over how the birth went. I thought I had worked my way through it but evedently not. I am so incrediably angry with how things happened. I can not move past it. My daughter is happy and healthy and we have a incrediably close bond, but I can’t shake the feeling that I missed out on having a special experience.
Rituals and milestones are very important to me. There was supposed to be a baby shower, but it didn’t eventuate. I feel like I missed out on having a sacred space to acknowledge this important new stage in my life. But I was left hanging. I should have seen it then, when the baby shower or mothers blessing as I like to call it, that the birth wouldn’t go as planned. Even my goddamn wedding didn’t go as I’d liked, but I digress.
I’m so angry and hurt that I didn’t trust my instinct and go with a C-section when first suggested. In all honesty I felt like I was pressured into having a natural labour. I had been induced the night before and was left in agonising pain, while my husband was told to go home. I spent the night pacing the floor, continually vomiting and then when I got up the courage to beg for painkillers I got led back to my bed and told that I should try natural methods, because if I wasn’t coping now then I would find it even harder when I was in the birthing suit (WTF!). I was examined internally way to many times to count and I felt like I didn’t have a voice.
Birthing is meant to be a sacred experience, where the hell did it go wrong? I did have a doula and she was fantastic, but she was also with another woman who was giving birth at the same time so was coming back and forth. I tried for a natural labour for a number of hours,it was progressing to slowly, there was another talk of a C-section and I blacked out for a minute and my daughters heart rate begain to drop. We were in the operating theatre within 4 minutes.
[The theatre staff were fantastic and the operating doctor was amazing I will give them credit where credit is due. I even saw the doctor a few days later and she came up and gave me a hug and told me how worrie she’d been about me.]
I didn’t get to hold my daughter after my C-section, instead she got whisked away to NCIU while I got stitched up and into recovery. Luckily my husband went with her. I can barely look at photos from that time though without a sick feeling in my gut. I feel like I have failed. All my life I have felt like I’ve never had a voice and had to please others and I couldn’t even get my labour right. I understand that pre-eclampsia is not something you can plan for and it came straight out of the blue, but I felt like an annoyance to everyone else.
I find myself scouring the internet for positive birth stories, pictures and videos. I swing between relief I didn’t have a natural labour and intense anger because the experience was taken away from me. I think what I mourn the most is that I couldn’t have my daughter naked on my chest for skin to skin contact directly after the birth. Its hard for me now to even look at photos of other women having that experience.
I think I may some how have a blessing ceremony for my daughter anyhow. I don’t know how or when, but I will have her acknoweledged into our community.
The following video is just so beautiful, it made me cry and in a good way.