Regret and Birth.

My darling daughter is almost eight months old and I can say with the utmost honesty it has been the best goddamn eight months of my life. I am quiet uncomfortable at the moment as I seem to be re-experiencing a lot of grief over how the birth went. I thought I had worked my way through it but evedently not. I am so incrediably angry with how things happened. I can not move past it. My daughter is happy and healthy and we have a incrediably close bond, but I can’t shake the feeling that I missed out on having a special experience.

Rituals and milestones are very important to me. There was supposed to be a baby shower, but it didn’t eventuate. I feel like I missed out on having a sacred space to acknowledge this important new stage in my life. But I was left hanging. I should have seen it then, when the baby shower or mothers blessing as I like to call it, that the birth wouldn’t go as planned. Even my goddamn wedding didn’t go as I’d liked, but I digress.

I’m so angry and hurt that I didn’t trust my instinct and go with a C-section when first suggested. In all honesty I felt like I was pressured into having a natural labour. I had been induced the night before and was left in agonising pain, while my husband was told to go home. I spent the night pacing the floor, continually vomiting and then when I got up the courage to beg for painkillers I got led back to my bed and told that I should try natural methods, because if I wasn’t coping now then I would find it even harder when I was in the birthing suit (WTF!). I was examined internally way to many times to count and I felt like I didn’t have a voice.

Birthing is meant to be a sacred experience, where the hell did it go wrong? I did have a doula and she was fantastic, but she was also with another woman who was giving birth at the same time so was coming back and forth. I tried for a natural labour for a number of hours,it was progressing to slowly, there was another talk of a C-section and I blacked out for a minute and my daughters heart rate begain to drop. We were in the operating theatre within 4 minutes.

[The theatre staff were fantastic and the operating doctor was amazing I will give them credit where credit is due. I even saw the doctor a few days later and she came up and gave me a hug and told me how worrie she’d been about me.]

I didn’t get to hold my daughter after my C-section, instead she got whisked away to NCIU while I got stitched up and into recovery. Luckily my husband went with her. I can barely look at photos from that time though without a sick feeling in my gut. I feel like I have failed. All my life I have felt like I’ve never had a voice and had to please others and I couldn’t even get my labour right. I understand that pre-eclampsia is not something you can plan for and it came straight out of the blue, but I felt like an annoyance to everyone else.

I find myself scouring the internet for positive birth stories, pictures and videos. I swing between relief I didn’t have a natural labour and intense anger because the experience was taken away from me. I think what I mourn the most is that I couldn’t have my daughter naked on my chest for skin to skin contact directly after the birth. Its hard for me now to even look at photos of other women having that experience.

I think I may some how have a blessing ceremony for my daughter anyhow. I don’t know how or when, but I will have her acknoweledged into our community.

The following video is just so beautiful, it made me cry and in a good way.

Categories: Birth, grief, pregnancy | 1 Comment

A New Arrival… Bunny Twitches.

Baby Rabbit Girl arrived via an emergency C-section on Friday the 7th of October 2011. We are finally home.

Categories: Birth, love, pregnancy | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

A little bit of nothing.

Baby will be here anytime soon, which is both exhillerating and terrifying. One thing is for sure my husband deserves a gold medal for putting up with my constant whining about how tired and sore I am. Seriously I probably owe him at least five roast dinners 😉

Still no crafting but i’ve accepted that it will come back. Good news is I’ve been playing my bass and writing out melodys. Even funnier is that baby responds to the music whenever I play. It amazes me how responsive baby’s are.

Development is very inspiring. I find myself smiling reflecting on my neice who is now 5! eeeep. I was very very fortunate to hang out with her constantly since she was a newborn, so I have awesome memories of how much and how quickly kids grow up.

anyway to end this rambling blog post.. here’s a photo of my boy exhausted after hubby (and i attempted 😉 played ball.

Categories: pregnancy, The Gladiator | 1 Comment

Secrets Exposed

Its time I admitted the problem to myself, I am terrified of suffering post partum depression. The fear hung around my head even before I got pregnant, there was a stage where I refused to contemplate having children as I didn’t want to chance passing on some of the mental health issues and addictions that are on both sides of my family, let alone going through pregnancy and having the possiblity of not bonding with my child and hating her.

I know, I know I trained in social work and have worked in a psychiatric facility, but that really means shit. What it means is that I can have empathy for a person and their family when mental illness comes crashing down upon them, but thats it.

Its the unknown and lack of control I fear, there is no way to tell what will happen until the baby is here. I have a wonderful support network and have contacts if I need a refresher in coping stratigies, but sometimes I fear I’m too dependant on people and expect them to save me and pick up the pieces.

Pregnancy really fucks with you hormonally, I attemped to read ‘buddhism for mothers’ but was turned off by a passage that mentioned pregant women feel thier compassion growing for others as the baby grows within them. Pffft maybe for some people, not for me.

I pretty much want to exorcise half the human race, all these horrible so called parents that beat, abuse and kill their children, I find myself devising terrible plans in my head of what I would do to them. Compassion my arse…I feel like I’m becoming a sniper. (the news is not your friend!)

Territorial urges have started to rear thier ugly head. I want to snap at people that this is ‘my baby’ and not any one elses… jesus where does the ugliness come from? and if one more person asks to see my fucking stomach I’m going to fall into a pile on the floor. I get it I’m pregant, this doesn’t mean I’m on show. You’ll see the baby when she is here.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post, just that I didn’t want to hide in the shadow of fear, I’m sick of it… I want the ugliness to go away.

Categories: mental health, pregnancy | Tags: , | 6 Comments

Sleep and Other Lessons

Last night was the first night in two weeks that I managed a full night sleep. Bliss! No vomiting, hacking cough or chest pains 😀 This was due in part to my G.P prescribing me some awesome cough syrup that has a shit load of codein in it, which makes one drowsy as a baby who is milk drunk.

I’d almost forgotten what a full night sleep felt like,obviously I wont be getting perfect sleep when the baby is here, but you expect that, a tiny little human that depends on you for everything, plus I (hopefully) won’t be sick when taking care of bub. I was so sick the other morning (think 3am) that hubby actually came into the bathroom rub my back and hold me 0-o

So with everyting that has been happening, crafting has been taking a back seat, I can’t bare to look at the baby blanket or touch it, it feels like sensory overload. I started a weaving project from a tutorial found on the internet and have left that lying on the table.

All I want to do is stay in bed and snuggle with my dog, instead I’ve been cooking trying to slowly put food into the freezer, for when we come home from the hospital.

I’m off to read some blogs and hopefully get some inspiration…

Categories: creativity, pregnancy | 3 Comments

Sickness, Health and the Hook

I feel like the past week has gone by in a gigantic blur.  I hit my third trimester and become as sick as a dog with a UTI, vomiting and horrendous muscle cramps.  I didn’t get to sleep this morning til 4am from exhaustion and woke up at 8.30am :/  I’m on anti-biotics which are a God send, at the moment i’m glad we are living with my parents because my hubby is recovering from a sprained ankle and has been hobbling around on crutches, as you can imagine we make quiet a pair.  Although we are ment to be moving in to our friends house and looking after the place at the end of this week, I can’t face it.  I want someone else to move for me.

Thankfully one of my parents is a nurse and the other an OT, so I don’t have to worry about panicking needlesly or worrying if the baby is okay.  Worst comes to worse my brother runs the Emergency department at the local hospital so if things don’t clear up I can pop down there.  (its great having nurses in the family!)

Anyway onto more creative news. I am still working on my rainbow blanket and haven’t forgotten about it, but in a momentary lapse of insanity late last week I decided to start a baby blanket, I am halfway through it, so if the peeing and vomiting can hold off for a bit, I may actally finish it within the next 1-2 weeks.

Speaking of crochet I was recently interview by Jasmine over on her blog, if you want to know a little bit more about me then check out the link below.

What is amazing about Jasmine is she is 13 and boy can she knit!  I am currently drooling over her beautiful cabled mittens, seriously people check out her blog.  This is one talented lady.

Speaking of interviews I recently interviewed a crochet designer and will be posting a review of her site and her answers.  Check back for the interview on the 29th of this month.

So now I am off to catch up on some much needed blog reading and answer emails.

Categories: crochet, pregnancy | 2 Comments

This Cracks Me Up!

I’ve always agreed with the following. Now I have an animated gif from Family Guy to that confirms my theory 😀


Categories: Funny, pregnancy | Tags: , | 2 Comments


The past few nights I haven’t been able to get to sleep till 1am, due to baby rabbit girl keeping me restless. The night holds a strange aura for me. It helps me realise that anything creative is possible, but then it scares the shite out of me by dampening my mood significantly. (Anyone who has studied depression and other various mental health issues, will know that the night time can be an equivilant of a boogie monster). I sneaked out the loungeroom careful not to wake hubby or my parents and curled up on the lounge, tried having a cup of tea. didn’t work so sketched another idea for a spiral that had been bouncing around my brain, that didn’t work either, so I crept in the kitchen and poked the Gladiator dog who was sleeping soundly and hoped to entice him out to snuggle with me.

He cracked open an eye, got a look on his face that clearly told me I was insane, snorted in a huff and snuggled deeper into his bed. Nothing says rejection like a dog that won’t snuggle with you! Dejected I tried to sleep on the lounge. Not happening. I lumbered back to bed and eventually sleep claimed me.

Categories: creativity, pregnancy, The Gladiator | 4 Comments


I’m so tired. I want my own house, my own space, a place to find the silence. Don’t get me wrong I am eternally greatful for the help we have been given, but my hormones are starting to send me really loopy. I want a place to go and hide myself.

Categories: pregnancy | 2 Comments

A Year of Projects… Blog Along

I found this wonderful idea from Yarn Dharma’s Blog and have decided to participate. I think I might be slightly crazy especially as baby rabbit girl will be born in october of this year,yet I know I will need crafting to help get me through this wonderful amazing, new challenging aspect of my life.

Anyway, here is my ‘book’ of patterns

* 1. Granny Stripe Afghan

* 2. Mandala pattern (my own, currently designing)

* 3. Rainbow hat (my own, currently designing)

* 4. Mystery Plush Toy (my own currently designing)

* 5. Buddha

At the moment that is all i’m going to list. I know myself and am likely to get to carried away. Can’t wait to see what others are coming up with!

Categories: creativity, crochet, friendship, love, pregnancy, Year of Projects | Tags: , , | 9 Comments

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